Greetings in the name of Jesus. I would like to share about the pain of wanting to be loved. At age 7 my mother went into the hospital with cancer, and my father had already been in a wheelchair all of my life. Whatever love they had for me, I wasn’t able to receive it because they were not able to give it. At age 9 my mother died. I remember crying for weeks and going into a kind of shock. At age 10 my father sent me to military school, and once again I was crushed. Just before my 13th birthday (I was with my father again), I spent the night at a friend’s house. The next day the police came and took me to the hospital were my father was dying from pneumonia. For a long time I blamed myself for his death. I remember him asking me to make him some soup or tea before I left and I didn’t. What hurt most is never having told my father that I loved him. My older brother (23) brought me to New York and took custody of me. I remember wanting to be accepted, and loved. I watched as my brother and his wife argued and fought. A lot because of me. She ended up leaving him, and one day while a friend and I were playing cards in another room, my brother shot himself in the stomach. Once again I was facing death in the face. My brother recovered and then it was me, him, and Freddy living together. By this time Freddy was taking care of me. I had many sexual encounters with Freddy from the time I was about 14. There were many reasons why I didn’t say anything or try to stop it. Twice before (6 & 9) men had molested me. Both times fear kept me from saying anything. With Freddy it was the same. Fear of the humiliation, shame, being rejected, etc., etc. Also since Freddy was taking care of me (food & clothes) I didn’t want to risk losing my security blanket. To appease my conscience I used to fantasize whenever it happened. At times I even enjoyed it. Yet I still hated what I was doing, so I just continued to hide in my own world of fantasy (mostly in front of a TV). Oh how I longed for real love!!! Love with no strings attached. I remember hours spent weeping for my mother and father, wishing they were alive! Oh how I wanted to be loved by someone! One person, that’s all, just one person!
At age 20 I fell in love with a girl. I thought I had finally found the love that I was looking for. What I ended up with was a broken heart. I wanted her love so much I kept going back for more. More pain, more rejection! That’s when I started getting into drugs heavy (Acid, Cocaine etc.). On my 28th birthday I took my first hit of crack. I was hooked immediately! Six months later I was laying in bed crying out in agony and despair because of all the loneliness, emptiness, rejection, shame, guilt, fears, failures, etc., etc. I wanted someone to help me, to love me, to want me! I was all alone and no one cared (or so it seemed), I wanted to die! The pain was too much to bear! I cried for my mother, my father, anyone who could make the pain go away! I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for hearing my cry that night! Jesus led me to where (5 months later) I was willing to commit my heart and my life to Him. However my battle with wanting to be loved wasn’t over. Jesus took away the loneliness, emptiness and guilt and He broke the bondage to crack, alcohol, cigarettes and lust. But I wouldn’t let go of the pain of wanting to be loved. At first I wanted my ex-girlfriend to get saved so we could get married. God quickly showed me that it wasn’t meant to be. God brought a Christian woman into my life and He allowed me to fall in love with her (Or at least I thought I was). She was just what I had hoped for. Anyway when I shared my feelings with her I got very sharply rebuked (Thank you Jesus!). I thought for sure God had answered all my prayers (and hers) and brought us together. I would like to add that I was not lusting after her and did not want to fall into sin. God forbid! I just wanted a wife to love and to be loved by. I later found that my heart was really looking for a mother. God allowed me to fall in love with this woman to expose my heart and to teach me about true love. I was looking for God to give me a wife for the love I wanted so desperately instead of looking to Jesus for that love. God also used her to pull out a lifetime of rejection from my heart. Thank you Jesus! Jesus also showed me that we Christians must love each other (and our enemies) unconditionally (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). I thank God for this woman because she didn’t reject my friendship because of my feelings towards her and for not leading me on or taking advantage of me.
This past Christmas Eve (1988) I was at this woman’s house with some of her friends. We were all at a wedding that afternoon and we went to her house for fellowship. Anyway one of the ladies there started to unburden her heart about her uncle (I think), and I just cut her off and didn’t give her a chance to unburden her heart. After they left this woman chastised me for not allowing the other woman to unburden her heart. I felt about 2 inches tall right then. I went to an empty room and prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me and change my heart. I also prayed for a 14-year-old girl that the Lord put on my heart. Her mother rejected her when she was 7 and her father is living on the Bowery with Aids. I could actually feel the pain in this girl’s heart. I remember her telling me once on the phone that what she wanted more than anything was for her mother to want her. Once again I was crying out to God to take the pain away, hers and my own. The pain was unbearable! Just as I felt like I was going to explode, God’s peace came over me (Philippians 4:6, 7) and the pain was gone. God spoke to my heart and said; “Now you know how I feel, because My people don’t love Me” Jesus also showed me my own selfishness and self-pity. God forgive me. Thank you Jesus! We go to church for Him, witness for Him, and do things for Him, some of us will even deal with sin and pray. But Oh how few who will LISTEN! Listen with a heart of love, and genuine concern. Listen to what’s on His heart, His burden! What is the one thing which is needful that Jesus spoke of? In Luke 10, verse 39 it says, “and she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard His word.” She loved Him so much that she was waiting and listening! Praise God! We’ll pour out our hearts to Him, even praise Him and worship Him and then when He’s ready to unburden His heart we hang up on Him! Jesus is crying out for His people to love Him. That horrible agonizing pain! God help us! Please help us to love you with all of our hearts, and minds and souls! Christmas day night that girl gave her heart to Jesus! And to show Himself to her He healed her of her cold. She had this terrible cold (her nose was so red she looked like Rudolph the red nose raindeer) and as soon as she finished praying, God totally healed her, instantly! Hallelujah! Thank you Lord Jesus!
About two weeks later I emptied my heart out to a woman on the pastoral staff after a Sunday night service and God poured out His love to me through her so much I couldn’t handle it. I just broke down and wept. I never felt so much love in my whole life! It was as if my own mother was holding me in her arms. “For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.” (Matthew 122:50) Since I’ve been a Christian I’ve come to know and appreciate the love of my brothers and sisters in Christ. But that Sunday night for the first time in my whole life I actually experienced that motherly kind of love I had always wanted. Jesus set me FREE!!! That was the happiest day of my life, and I know He’s going to get better! Praise God!
I can honestly testify that there is absolutely total and complete love to be found ONLY through the Lord Jesus Christ! Thank you Jesus! I pray that you will let God supply all your need according to His riches (Love) in glory by Christ Jesus. Amen. If you want to know how much God really loves you—look to Calvary and the Cross! Look at what He suffered for our sakes! If you want to know His power to overcome—look at the resurrection! There is power in the Blood of Jesus Christ! Hallelujah!
With Christ’s Love,
Bill Cotton
Go to the Home Page